I am always looking for something to learn. I want to read something new. I want to learn something new. I want to do something new. You know what happens to all my "new" plans ... life. I have wonderful intentions to do better, learn more, read something ... anything really!
I try to avoid the time old resolutions like lose weight or look great in a bikini. I do, however, do something else just as elusive. I always target my role as wife and mother. I place an enormous amount of pressure on my abilities to make my husband and children happy. You know what happens ... that's right, life! The one peculiar thing I've always done is set those pesky resolutions on my birthday as that is "my new year." This new year is traipsing off into the shadows faster than I can assert my will on my new year's resolutions. I'd better hurry as I only have seventy two hours left in my year.
Last year was a pivotal birthday. The last birthday before I had reached what the young me thought was old. I began my forties with trepidation and fear that I am not enough for myself or my family. Three hundred and sixty two days later I am probably less to my family but I no longer lead with fear. In my fortieth year I lost weight and kept it off. I can lift weights like a badass ... seriously! I only do "cardio" that I love ... mostly Just Dance with my Monster! I can eat or not eat food and not freak out about its nutritional content. I started to put those long wished for stamps in my passport. I rocked a RED bikini in paradise by MYSELF as an overweight woman. I didn't care what ANYONE thought.
This year was not for my family it was for me. It was a glorious year. As a family we have had ups and downs. We've had tragedy. We've had triumph. We've fought. We've loved. We've done what families do, but the most important thing I did was look really look at my reflection in the mirror everyday to find that person I lost in a dual role that I let it smother all of my joy and quite honestly the joy of those closest to me. Being a mother and wife shouldn't feel like twin boa constrictors squeezing the life from your already exhausted frame. I discovered it was how I was conducting my business in these roles that was suffocating my joy. I was doing a ton of telling. I was yelling more than anyone was listening. I was doing less listening than those I was yelling at with my tear stained face. I was looking at screens more than faces. I was looking for an escape route to paradise and when I got there I was amazed by how often I wished for the madness of home.
When I realized that the root of the problem was the problem itself the solution was easy to find. In my business management career I learned that even though retail is chaos ... there is always a system to manage that inevitable chaos. There was always some brilliantly laid out plan that was for the most part to prevent the tears of frustration incurred from that chaos. As a stay at home mom I have experienced more chaos than ever endured in the corporate world. The employees are unruly, they are resistant to performance reviews, I am not really sure of the chain of command, and I am pretty sure that I'm on my own until the CEO pops in and messes EVERYTHING up (somethings are very similar to Corporate America). There are constant interruptions to my day and many of my family members have expectations that I am almost certain I cannot meet. This is when I realized that my days of organized chaos of the corporate world were long gone ... this was raw and unbounded chaos that would frighten any operations manager. What will I do? Stay tuned.